


i know my place, it's nowhere you should roam

by undead_bunniez



Category: Big Time Adolescence (2020)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loneliness, My First Work in This Fandom, Not Beta Read, Only shippy if you squint, Self-Reflection, Zeke’s POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29595819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undead_bunniez/pseuds/undead_bunniez
Summary: "His whole life, Zeke never really knew what the fuck he was doing."Zeke reflects on recent events and why things happen the way they do.© undead_bunniez 2021
Relationships: Monroe "Mo" Harris & Isaac "Zeke" Presanti
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	i know my place, it's nowhere you should roam

His whole life, Zeke never really knew what the fuck he was doing.

On a good day, that meant he was high as a kite and couldn’t make sense of why his hands were so fidgety, or he’d zone out on the couch to whatever shitty movie was on and eat an entire package of Oreos and just _float_. On a worse day, he was crossfaded and puking out the passenger side window of a moving car, so far gone he was unsure of where he was headed or who was driving.

But both of those were far preferable to the worst days of all, days that found Zeke spending his night sober and alone, staring up at the ceiling willing his thoughts not to spiral into a whirlpool of self-hatred. Usually, those nights ended with some foul things happening - painful and regrettable things - and he’d never admit it to any of his homies but yeah, maybe he’d cried himself to sleep more than a few times.

Tonight is one such night, a pity party of extravagant proportions. But Zeke doesn’t want this to hurt. He wants to figure out what happened that led to the absolute shitshow that had been the past however-many months.

Zeke had never had it good, in many respects. Life dealt him a shitty hand - a shitty family, and definitely a shitty brain. He always knew something was wrong up there but never got checked out… he didn’t want to know, not really.

He just knew that shit was messed up. Sometimes he felt like life didn’t want him, like the universe was resolved to plot against him. He didn't believe in god or anything like that, but on empty nights his head could get so full of so much hatred for himself that it felt like it was put there intentionally, like something was pumping all this loathing into him and he would explode if he didn’t let it out somehow.

Booze, blunts, and company tended to help numb it down enough, so he made a habit of indulging. (Self-medication, despite what professionals say, really can do the trick, at least temporarily.) He kept himself high, kept himself drunk, and kept his house full of warm bodies. When he could - and he usually could - he found someone to warm him up and distract him from all the shit he couldn’t deal with otherwise, until that inevitably went to shit because of Zeke’s own actions. Whatever, he could always find another chick to ignore.

One of the only high points of his life - hell, maybe the only one, depending on how depressed Zeke was when he thought about it - was Mo. Well, _had been_ Mo might be more accurate, given recent events.

Mo had looked up to Zeke ever since they met, and it had always had quite an effect on him. He’d needed that force in his life, someone who paid attention and cared. He guesses Mo needed that too, needed a friend. So they stuck together - Mo trying to seem like the popular kid he’d never be, Zeke perpetually trying to make his life seem cool and fun - even when he started to realize how fucked up things were going to be when it all backfired. And Zeke knew it would, he really did. 

He had tried to think about it, about consequences… but the potential consequences of letting Mo run rampant hadn’t held a candle to Zeke’s fear of Mo thinking he was lame and ditching him. He knew it was coming eventually, the aim was always just pushing the inevitable rejection as far into the future as possible. So he’d done whatever, let Mo do whatever he wanted, gotten him whatever the kids at those shit-ass parties asked for. It was keeping Mo close, so it was worth doing.

He indulged Mo by letting him feel mature, and Mo indulged him by idolizing him and making him feel important. Until it all blew up in their faces, just like Zeke figured it would. And goddamn, did it hurt. Nothing could’ve prepared Zeke for how badly it hurt.

Ever since all that shit went down with the party and Reuben coming over to threaten him, shit had gotten worse - _immeasurably_ worse. All the shit in Zeke's markedly shitty life had hit the metaphorical fan.

Losing someone you’re that close to, your best friend for years… that shit is never easy, especially when you know the only person to blame for it is yourself. Your reckless, attention-craving, fucking needy ass self who couldn’t put any level of boundaries in place, not for lack of _wanting to_ but for fear of rejection. Rejection from a dorky high-school kid, a kid he used to babysit... When he thinks about it, Zeke feels like a total asshole. He fucked up Mo's life _how_ badly to feed his own ego? Oh, right, he got him expelled.

And then Mo ran into him at work, of fucking course. He couldn't have just disappeared from Zeke's life - this one hurt like a motherfucker anyway, so of course he'd be forced to keep up appearances in a public setting. Not just a public setting, a _professional_ setting (as professional as a fast food joint could be, anyway). Yeah.

Zeke had done his best not to break down. He'd put up his detached, aloof façade, all anyone ever really got to see of him - even Mo. The empty conversation, talk of possibilities for the future that they both knew wouldn’t come to fruition… it stung like a fucking bitch. The movie script wouldn’t get written. Mo wouldn’t text him, much less come hang out. He couldn’t blame the kid for pretending to consider, but he’d rather Reuben punch him in the face a few more times than have Mo patronize him like that.

Zeke had wanted so badly just to pull him in for a hug, tell him he would take it all back in a fucking second, to apologize and tell him he’d be responsible, he'd grow up. He'd wanted to tell him he needed his Momo around, that he'd get his shit together, he'd _change_ if it meant he got to hang with him again. Hell, he would've taken Mo up on his offer to hang out with him and his parents, it was _that_ bad. But no, he didn’t do that. He couldn’t.

Nothing ever made Zeke - sorry, _Isaac_ \- feel less valuable than watching Mo drive away from him.

Maybe that mental image, seeing that ugly hand-me-down van grow smaller and smaller as he sat there watching from the curb, could be the start of something new for him, too.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from fall out boy's "reinventing the wheel to run myself over". a good song, and it reminds me of zeke.
> 
> as always, feedback and kudos are appreciated! <3


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